35 Ridiculous Rules I’ve Had to Enforce as a Parent to a “Spirited Child”

I should have known it would be this way.

From the moment when I first felt Vivian kick, I should have known I would have a “spirited child.” I would get comments at every prenatal checkup about what an “active baby” I was growing, I would find myself apologizing to patients as I worked on their teeth as a dental assistant and she kicked them in the head when my belly grew so big it had nowhere to go but right beside them, and I would smile and nod as friends and family were in disbelief at how much she moved and hiccuped all day. I thought surely a baby’s activity in the womb would have no correlation with their behavior after birth.

In talking with my mother-in-law on this subject, however, she remarked that she could tell the personality of both of her boys before they were born. My brother-in-law was so calm during her pregnancy that my husband’s constant activity almost posed a cause for concern. She says this perfectly mirrored their personalities both as children and to this very day.

As a first-time-mom, I had no point of reference for the level of craziness of her little personality aside from the constant comments about “what a handful” she must be, “how stubborn” she was, and where she gets “all that energy.” I operated on the belief that all babies and toddlers energetic stubborn handfuls. It wasn’t until I became a stay-at-home mom that I realized that is NOT the case. I joined a playgroup that contained seemingly angelic little toddlers that didn’t shout every other sentence, didn’t attempt to climb everything in sight, and didn’t pick a single booger during an entire playdate. And I watched, too. That is when I began to realize I am raising a “spirited child.”

THAT, my friends, is when I realized other parents don’t have to make rules like this:

1. Don’t lick your sister.
2. Don’t attempt to jump out of a moving shopping cart.
3. Don’t eat playground mulch.
4. Don’t chew on your shoes.
5. Don’t try to climb out of a second story window.
6. Don’t put your fork in the toaster.
7. Don’t try to drag your newborn sister across the floor by her ears.
8. Don’t put an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet at once.
9. Don’t draw on the walls.
10. Don’t draw on your face.
11. Don’t draw on your baby sister’s face.
12. Don’t draw on the carpet.
13. Don’t try to paint your nails while Mommy is in the shower.
14. Don’t put nail polish on your hands, feet, and legs.
15. Don’t use a Popsicle stick as a weapon,
16. Don’t test how loud the echo is in the grocery store lobby.
17. Don’t hide playdoh under the couch, even if you think you will need it later.
18. Don’t hide snacks under the couch, even if you think you will need them later.
19. Don’t climb on top of the refrigerator.
20. Don’t get into the bath fully clothed.
21. Don’t put a blanket over your head like a ghost to walk down the stairs. You will fall.
22. Don’t invite strangers to “look how funny [your] butt is.”
23. Don’t mash your newborn sister’s soft spot.
24. Don’t squirt an entire tube of toothpaste in the sink.
25. Don’t squirt an entire bottle of shampoo in the bathtub.
26. Don’t squirt an entire bottle of dish soap in the sink.
27. Don’t put your bare butt on the air vents.
28. Don’t take your panties off at the library.
29. Don’t take your shirt off at Costco.
30. Don’t take your shirt off at Target, either.
31. Don’t rub Greek yogurt on the curtains.
32. Don’t pluck out my eyelashes while I sleep.
33. Don’t loudly remind me at the grocery store that we need beer.
34. Don’t tell strangers “Mommy beat me last night” in a pitiful voice. You really need to specify that I beat you AT CANDY LAND.
35. Don’t lick your gummy bears and stick them to your baby sister’s head and face.

And if you are keeping score–yes, Claire acts the exact same way Vivian did as a baby. So all signs are pointing to many, many more ridiculous rules in my future. Cheers to all the “spirited children!” (Because, honestly? I need a drink)

What ridiculous rules have you had to make for your kids?